• Brian C. Billings

Scurvy Santa, or Shanty Claus

by Brian Billings

If Santa Claus were a pirate bold,

His buckles would shine with silver and gold.

He’d wear a stocking on his head

And fill the naughty kids with dread

That he would name them all unfair

And bring them bouts of mal de mer.

If Old Saint Nick were a buccaneer,

A Spanish galleon’s what he’d steer.

His flag would fly o’er the heaving main—

The fearsome flaming candy cane—

And Rudolph the Red and Frosty the Blue


Would oversee the elven crew. If Father Christmas walked the deck, He’d keep the trade of toys in check. He’d raid the stores and seize command, And lower prices he’d demand. He’d wave his cutlass ’round with force And make the merchants mind his course. If he became a knavish churl, Kris Kringle’s sails would all unfurl In blood-red trim and crusty green And all the spectrum that’s marine. His jib he’d cut to a rakish turn And holly would fall from stem to stern. His eyes would burn. He’d gleam with bling


If Santa Claus were a pirate king.

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